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Home › Articles › Independence › Slowly Letting Go

Slowly Letting Go

Granting Preteens Their Freedom

By Jennifer Nelson

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Your middle school daughter wants to go to the school dance – with a boy. Your 11-year-old son asks if he and a group of "friends" can go to the movies. How about Roller blading at the rink? Dating one on one? Having friends of the opposite sex over when no one's home?

When children cross the threshold into adolescence, a complex myriad of issues starts to crop up for parents. Preteens begin experimenting with members of the opposite sex both as friends and as boyfriends/girlfriends. Parents who have had a close relationship with their child may begin to hear about these changes firsthand. Others may only suspect them. "My daughter came home and told me that a boy asked her to go with him," says the mom of an 11-year-old girl. "'Go where?' I asked naively."

"Going with" is a preteen expression for going steady. Along with the lingo, parents need to address a number of topics surrounding the changes this age group faces. Of all the freedoms preteens request, which ones should parents allow?

"The ultimate goal of the parent-adolescent partnership is autonomy," says Lawrence Steinberg, Ph.D., author of You and Your Adolescent: A Parent's Guide for Ages 10 to 20. "You wouldn't hand your daughter the keys to the car on her 16th birthday and wish her bon voyage." The same principle applies to other privileges. Parents need to take an active role in how much or how little freedom they grant.

Dating one-on-one?
We, as parents, want our kids to be active. Young teens like activities, which keeps them out of trouble. But this age needn't go on the conventional "date." Going with a group of friends is much more appropriate. Going to the movies, skating or school dances (which are generally well supervised) are great ways for preteens to participate in activities with members of both sexes. One-on-one dating is better reserved for older teens with more maturity. If your preteen bugs you for an age at which she'll be allowed to date, tell her you'll have to see how she handles these group-date situations for a few years first.

"It's much healthier for girls to develop the social skills needed for dating gradually and in groups with other girls to support them and adults to supervise," Steinberg says. The same is true for young boys.

Having Friends Over
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