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It's War!
Helping Your Preteen Survive Friendship Fights
By Kelly Burgess
Perhaps more alarming is that, according to Parenting Expert Brenda Nixon, this behavior can begin as young as age 9 in girls. "The onset of puberty can be as young as 9 with girls, and they can begin having hormonal cycles even before they start their periods," she says. "That hormonal roller coaster combined with the natural competition for attention and popularity can make it a very combustible period of time for kids."
Nixon also points out that there are legitimate concerns with experts today about the lasting effects of problem relationships with girls. "Boys are more physical, and they'll wrestle and hit each other, and it's pretty harmless and immediate," she says. "If a boy is socked in the arm, he usually gets over it, but words injure for a lot longer, and girls can become extremely nasty at this stage."
Nixon says parents should keep a close watch on their child. If your child continues being depressed or agitated or if there are signs of physical violence, it may be time to get the school administration involved and help resolve the conflict.
For the most part, however, the best approach a parent can take is to be a sympathetic ear. Sagarese says this helps children vent their feelings to a safe audience. If your child is open to suggestions, you can then help them process what is at the root of the fight. Help them recognize where they are feeling insecure. Is it that someone else has stepped up as a better athlete? Did someone else get a position or part that your child wanted? Help your child identify his or her emotions. Is it shame, anger, frustration, rage, disappointment or betrayal? They do have all these feelings, but unlike adults, they don't know how to name them.
