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Friends or Foes
Helping Your Tween Choose Healthy Friendships
By Kendeyl Johansen
Friends are worth more than jewels. Good friends support each other during crisis, applaud accomplishments and offer relaxed companionship. But unhealthy friendships can hurt instead of help. Fortunately, you can help your tween find and maintain healthy friendships.
"The best way to attract a good friend is to be a good friend," says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., author of Teen Talk with Dr. Gilda (Quill, 2003). Kids learn friendship habits from watching how parents interact with friends of their own.
Kara Wales of Park City, Utah, mom to 10-year-old Garrett, agrees. She uses modeling to teach her son how to build healthy friendships. "Garrett noticed early on how my friends and I talk to each other nicely, negotiate what we decide to do and say 'please' and 'thanks,'" she says. "I've heard him say the same things to his friends that I've said to mine."
Wales also uses a "do unto others" philosophy to teach him how to interact well with friends. "I'll ask him, 'How would you like it if your friend did this?' or 'Would you want to still play with a friend if he acted like that?'" she says.
Anyone parenting a preteen knows he or she can be moody, argumentative and unsure of how to act, and that goes for friends too. "While the tendency is to nix each friend for the shortcomings that you see, point out the pros and cons of each friend in a non-judgmental way," Carle says. "Give your child enough room so that he or she can make the final decision on his or her own."
Kathy Anderson of Taos, N.M., regularly discusses friendship issues with her 10-year-old daughter, Rachel. "Many of the girls in Rachel's class are really mature and boy-crazy, and Rachel's not interested in boys like that," she says. "We talk about how she can avoid problems by choosing to play with friends – whether male or female – that are more interested in playing soccer or swimming and the other things she likes, instead of chasing boys."
