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Solution or Punishment?

When Consequences Don't Work

By Judy Arnall, author of Discipline Without Distress (Professional Parenting Canada, 2005)

Sit down with your son and probe why he doesn't like the bike helmet. Perhaps it's in an inconvenient place to access. He needs a solution to make it handier to use. Perhaps he just never can remember. He needs solutions to help him remember. Perhaps a visual picture on the door might work. Perhaps the helmet doesn't fit right or looks goofy. He needs to obtain a different helmet. This isn't all on the parent's shoulder to fix. Involving the child in finding a solution is essential in developing their problem solving skills, creativity and teamwork, as well as making it more likely they will accept the solution chosen.

So make sure that the consequences are solution focused rather than pain focused. A common concern is, "Won't my child ever learn the consequences of his actions if I don't set up logical consequences?" Of course he will. The rest of the world will be happy to teach your child the logical consequences of his actions, and sometimes it will be painful and inconvenient for him, but only you, the parent, can provide the safe haven of your loving relationship to teach him how to solve problems, make restitution and make amends. That's the harder job. But the bonus is that you'll enjoy less power struggles and more connection, teaching and learning in your relationship.