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Making the Connection
Helping Dads Forge Son and Daughter Bonds By Gina Roberts-Grey, LCSW
In the weeks following the birth of their first child, Dan and Linda Boyko of Boulder, Colo., began realizing there was a difference in the relationship they each were building with their daughter. "Because I was home with her most of the time, I was able to understand her cries and instinctively know her schedule," says Linda Boyko. "It was hard when Dan would come home from work and feel like he was missing out."
"I didn't have nine months to feel my daughter kicking and to connect with her as a person, coupled with being away from her during the day," says Dan Boyko. "I was concerned I was missing out on developing a strong relationship with our child."
The circumstances experienced by the Boykos are common to many young families. Feeling as though they forgot the password to an exclusive club, many fathers struggle to fit into their new families or with balancing building a relationship with their children and working.
While some dads may find it challenging to relate to their children, there are some common denominators in nearly every parenting situation. Every child has his or her own distinct personalities and interests. As your baby grows into a toddler he develops his own personality, likes and interests.
"Regardless of their gender or interests, all children thrive on positive, loving interaction with their parents," says Dr. John Mercer, a family therapist from Madison, Wis. Children relish showing off their newest skill or sharing their hobbies and interests as well as their dislikes and fears. "They delight when we applaud their accomplishments and appreciate our approval of their behavior," adds Dr. Mercer.
Many fathers like Boyko battle self-imposed guilt over not having a connection to their newborn child or not having enough time to spend with their children. "Finding what situations and moments of quality time suit a father's schedule, meet his expectations and appeal to their child is the hardest part," says Dr. Mercer. Studying the effects of father and child relationships, Dr. Mercer has identified that the majority of children look forward to "ordinary" time spent with their fathers. "It is important that fathers realize they can create periods of time spent with their children in many unexpected areas."
Alternate shoveling snow with tossing snowballs or trimming the bushes with unearthing worms. Take your cues from your child and his interests to discover opportunities to spend time together.
