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Privacy and Parenting
Where Do You Draw the Line? By P. Christine Smith
Fifteen-year-old Mary is on the straight and narrow. She receives excellent grades at school, has never dabbled in drugs and has a group of friends who share her positive goals and morals. However, Mary's mother can't help but snoop through Mary's room, regularly reading her diary and picking up the extension to listen in on telephone calls. Mary is heartbroken at her mother's lack of trust, and angered by the invasion of privacy. Mary's mother wants to make sure her daughter doesn't make the same mistakes she made as a teen.
Seventeen-year-old John has always been a child who made his parents proud. He has received good grades in school and he has kept himself out of trouble. However, recently John has been acting a bit odd to his parents, and they feared he was experimenting with drugs or beginning to hang out with the "wrong crowd." One night when John was out on a date, his parents crept into his bedroom and searched until they found evidence that John had been using marijuana.
They waited up for John to arrive home and confronted the boy with the drug paraphernalia. John was immediately defensive, and a lengthy argument ensued throughout which John communicated his rage at their invasion of his privacy. His parents were bewildered at how to make their son understand that they simply love him and want to help put a stop to this potentially destructive behavior.
Two families with two different situations, yet both have a common dilemma. Where does a parent draw the line between wanting to protect, help and educate their child and respecting the child's desire for privacy? According to Barbara Rosen, a clinical psychologist in San Diego, Calif., parenting and privacy are not separate issues. In fact, the two should go hand-in-hand.
The key to parenting adolescents is problem solving, not punishment, Rosen says. For instance, if a parent suspects that the teen is dabbling in drugs, that parent should first discuss the issue with their child, expressing concerns and the desire to help, and then go into the bedroom with the teenager, and look around together. This method will keep the focus on the issue of drug use and communicate to the child that rather than being judged or punished, the parent will lend a helping hand.
"Snooping takes the focus off the issue and onto the snooping," Rosen says. When this happens, the child will get defensive about the invasion of privacy, and that is the direction the discussion will lead. Rosen adds that it's important for parents to "connect with their kids, as opposed to disconnecting or distancing."
