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Listen With Your Heart
By Elizabeth Pantley, author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting
Think back to when you were growing up, and all the times when you felt self-doubt, confusion and frustration. It's tough growing up! You can help your children get through the bumps and bruises of childhood by simply being there for them. Children need to know that when the whole world feels like it's crashing down around them, they have one safe, secure place to go, and one bottomless source of unconditional love.
Listening is as much a skill as giving a speech is a skill. It's not just a matter of picking up sounds: active listening involves an array of behaviors that express your attention, empathy and respect. Listening to your children in this way will go far toward convincing them of your unconditional love. Keep these guidelines in mind when your child has something important to say to you:
- Put down your paper or dishtowel. Shut off the TV. Maintain as much eye contact as your child seems comfortable with. Make body contact, such as a hand to the shoulder, if that seems appropriate. Often, when children are trying to express a problem, thought or concern, their parents say they are listening, but half of their attention is somewhere else. You can't con a child this way. Typically, a few minutes of sincere, attentive listening is worth more than an hour of letting your child talk while you carry on with another activity.
- Don't rush to jump in with solutions, ideas or lectures. Often, children just need a sounding board. They need another person listening to give them an opportunity to figure out exactly what they want to do. Solving your child's problem may give you the relief of ending his or her discomfort; but, in the long term, it's worth far more to them to get the support they need to formulate solutions on their own.