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The Power of Bonding
It's Not Just for Babies Anymore
By Kelly Burgess
"When children reach this age, they no longer see things in black and white – they begin to perceive abstracts," she says. "It may be annoying to the parent when they become argumentative and disagreeable, but this is actually a good thing. As they start spending more time alone with peers, you want them to know how to argue and to state their opinions, so they're not just agreeably following along with what anyone suggests."
Sagarese quotes a fascinating study done at Ohio State University where researchers videotaped the interaction between children ages 11 to 15 and their parents. They found that as children go through early adolescence, parents become meaner toward their children. While the children are actually becoming more sensitive, the parents are becoming more negative. Other studies bolster these findings, showing that this age group is the most verbally abused of any other.
"I can tell you to communicate and be calm, but parents have to look in the mirror and take equal responsibility for some of the battles they are having with their children," says Sagarese.
The biggest mistake parents make at this phase, according to Sagarese, is to take it personally when their child begins to talk back. Although she doesn't advocate allowing a child to be disrespectful, she says parents need to be able to stay calm and not go on the defensive. Parents who react with anger will get anger back. The trick is to be sure the child understands that the parent will not tolerate disrespectful behavior, without being disrespectful to the child. This can require much tongue biting, but it's worth it in the long run.