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The Consequence System
Use Opportunity and Responsibility to Parent Your Preteen
By Teri Brown
Raising preteens in today's world isn't easy. Not only are these young people far savvier than their parents were at the same age, but their schedules are often as busy as an adult's. Disciplining them can be difficult; grounding them can throw off their entire schedule, let down a team or even cost the parent money due to missed classes. So what's a parent to do?
Belinda Mooney's family uses a system of responsibilities and privileges. As the child's responsibilities increase, so do their privileges or opportunities. She and her husband have found that the system works well – and they have seven children!
"We find it highly effective," says Mooney. "It helps them deal with the real world later. You don't work, you don't eat. Dad doesn't work hard, we have no electricity. If I don't get the house clean during the day, I have no time in the evening to sit and do what I want. It's an instant reward system. Although it gives greater understanding for the future, the results are immediate."
Thomas B. Haller, a child and family therapist and co-author of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose (2004), believes parents should avoid earning and taking away privileges as a parenting method. Instead, he advocates the use of responsibilities and opportunities. "The earning and taking away of privileges is not recommended as an effective way of parenting," he says. "Earning a privilege is a form of bribe: 'If you do what I want, you can have what you want.' In this way, the parent is taking the focus off of the cause and effect relationship that occurs between choices and behaviors. The focus is then placed on what the parent is 'letting or not letting' the preteen have. A power struggle ensues and the two become locked in a battle to extract what they want from the other person."
Haller says it is more effective to help the child see the relationship between the opportunities they have and the responsibilities that go along with them. The more responsibilities you handle, the more opportunities you create for yourself. Haller gives the example of a child who has the opportunity to use the computer and be online with his friends. The parent tells the child that it is the child's responsibility to steer clear of off-limit sites. If the preteen visits an off-limit site, they have chosen to lose the opportunity to use the computer for several days. This loss was not by the parent's design, but by the preteen's choice.
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