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Home › Articles › General › Grappling With Grief

Grappling With Grief

Excerpted from Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss

By Claudia Jewett Jarratt

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All children appear to harbor some degree of fundamental and primitive terror that something catastrophic might happen to their caregivers and that without their caregivers' protection and care they themselves might die. So when a loss or death occurs, it is best if the news comes from the adults to whom a child feels closest -- whether parents, foster parents or other caregivers.

Access to someone with whom the child shares an ongoing history of trustworthiness, concern and involvement is an important buffer during crisis or change and reassures the child that he or she is not alone, that there are other people available to provide protection and vital caretaking.

How Should I Tell My Child?
If the loss entails the departure of a parent -- whether because of a new job assignment, parental separation, serious illness, or incarceration -- it is best for both parents to tell the news together, so that the child has the chance to understand that everyone is involved in what is happening and that, regardless of the change, they are still a family.

If the loss is the result of parental conflict -- separation or divorce -- it is particularly important for each parent to take special care to avoid influencing the child's reactions and to do whatever is necessary to reduce the likelihood that the child will feel caught in the middle of a parental conflict that requires choosing a side.

When Should I Tell My Child?
The best way to help children face significant changes or losses is to let them know what is happening as soon as the loss, separation, or change seems definite. When parents try to delay telling the news, they often underestimate how sensitive children are to parental preoccupation and tension.


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