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Too Much Encouragement

Overzealous Parenting Could Harm Your Child

By Carma Haley Shoemaker

Offering unconditional support and encouragement to a child gives a message of acceptance. "Children may come to feel that the parent only values them for their performance, not for who they are," Pieper says. "Pushing a child to excel beyond their want or means in any area can take away a child's self-esteem. Children may begin to judge themselves on whatever performance they give, good or bad. The message we want to give our children is that we love you, we think you're great, whatever you do is fine with us."

Some parents push their kids because they're determined to see them continue in college. For others, they may be looking to relive their own youth. Harry Owens, a father of three from Richmond, Va., says, "I had a chance to play football at college but blew it by messing up. I got into some trouble and ended up being a daddy instead. I want my sons to get the most they can out of what they can do. Maybe I do push them too hard, but I just want them to have all the things I didn't. I want them to learn from my mistakes, I guess. I do love them and want the best for them. I know I'm not perfect ... maybe I'm trying too hard."

"The most important message that a parent can give a child is that 'This is supposed to be fun. That's what after school activities are for. If you're not enjoying it, then you don't have to do it,'" Pieper says. "The parent must be completely comfortable with the idea that a child may walk away from the activity. It must be a child's choice. It is crucial that a child be allowed to make the final decision on whether or not they participate, as well as the reasons why."