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Home › Articles › Independence › Adult vs. Child

Adult vs. Child

Where Does Your Preteen Fit?

By Teri Brown

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For some, the preteen years are like the twilight years, an odd period of time between one world and the next. Not quite children and not yet teens, preteens are well known for being children one moment and then copping adult attitudes the next. They are a virtual roller coaster of emotions and attitudes, and that often makes it hard for parents to cope.

Trina Lambert of Englewood, Colo., knows exactly what that is like. Her 12-year-old daughter has become extremely moody the past few months. "She can be quite helpful when she sees that her dad or I need something specific done," Lambert says. "Yet sometimes she doesn't even respond or will break into tears that don't seem related to the situation. When I've asked her what's wrong, she just sobs and says she doesn't know."

Like so many other parents of preteens, Lambert realizes that her daughter is at an in-between stage. She tries to help her with communication and understanding, but it can be difficult. "In general we communicate well with one another, but it really does depend on her mood and how patient I am feeling," Lambert says. "Sometimes she will go on at length about her problems, sharing a lot with me. At other times she just snaps at me and doesn't want to talk."

It's OK!
Kerrie Laguna, Ph.D., a psychologist and associate professor at Lebanon Valley College in Annville, Pa., says that this behavior is quite normal. "The period of early adolescence is the most stressful one for most families," she says. "In some respects, it may be harder on parents than teens. One way to understand this period is that it involves multiple transitions: physical, cognitive and social. Parents may struggle because [preteens] often send the signal that they don't need parents anymore, and they look and sometimes act more like adults than children. So parents may feel unneeded or feel like the child is ready for more responsibility than he or she can really handle. The basic problem, I think, is a readjustment of roles in the family, and since early adolescence is so fuzzy, the roles are really not clear for a few years."

Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D.,, a licensed psychologist in Los Angeles, Calif., says this kind of inconsistent behavior is to be expected. "It is completely normal and actually important that a preteen fluctuate between doing childish and adult-like things," she says. "Being able to go back and forth allows the preteen to make a smoother emotional transition from a kid into an adult."

Parental Support
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