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Home › Articles › Independence › I'm in Charge!

I'm in Charge!

Teaching Self-discipline to Your Preteen

By Teri Brown

Pages:  1  2  3  4  

"The absolute best way to do this is to create a neutral environment where you can discuss preteen issues in general," Hansen says. "It gives your child a chance to share what is going on, but they themselves are not on the hot seat."

Hansen suggests that you spend time with your child to facilitate discussions. Watch a TV show together, spend a special day at the movies, go online together or read a story relevant to the preteen years. The important thing is to use whatever media you choose not only as a vehicle for spending time together, but to create an atmosphere conducive to communication. Use it as a launch pad for discussion. Try to ask questions that can't be answered with a simple "Yes" or "No." Ask for elaboration and examples.

"Once you get the lines of communication open, you will be amazed at what kids will be willing to share with you," Hansen says. "In so many of the thousands of letters that we get from preteens, one thing is repeated over and over: 'I wish my parents had more time to spend with me,' and 'My parents work too much and they are never home.'"

Teaching your child self-discipline takes a combination of things, none of them easy. Modeling responsible behavior, spending time with your child, even if they act like they don't need it, and setting reasonable limits on their behavior is all a part of the self-discipline equation.

"It becomes your responsibility to learn how to walk that fine line between seeing your child as the adult that he will soon become and continuing to love him as the child that he still is, how to give him privacy and yet know what he is doing at all times, to be respectful of his individuality and yet continue to help him form his wings," Hansen says. "It is a huge challenge, but these preteen kids are awesome – and well worth it."

Tips for Teaching Self-Discipline

Patty Hansen offers the following tips to teach your child self-discipline.

If I want to give my preteen child the gift of self-discipline, I will:

  • Spend more time with my child, doing something we both enjoy.
  • Use the time we spend doing something together as a launch pad for non-invasive discussions.
  • Keep the lines of communication open by creating mutual trust.
  • Be appreciative of whatever my child shares with me and let him/her know that I am.
  • Reinforce good behavior and right choices with praise.
  • Be consistent. Keep my promises.
  • Give clear guidelines of what I expect, and be willing to take immediate action if my guidelines are not adhered to. I won't be afraid to punish my child by withholding privileges. Wrong choices and wrong decisions can be forgiven once, but if they are repeated, it is not acceptable.
  • Be my child's confidant, strongest supporter, comfort in time of need, trusted advisor and a constant in his/her life. I don't need to be my child's friend. I know that I can teach my child to fly not only by showing her how to use her wings, but by giving her the space to practice flying so those wings will be strong when she is ready to fly on her own.
  • Trust that I have done the best I can.
  • Trust my child.


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