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Dealing with Divorce
3 Steps to Help Your Preteen Cope By Teri Brown
Julia Steele*, mother of four from Provo, Utah, went through an extremely messy divorce several years ago. She finds it difficult to deal amicably with her ex-husband, but does so for the emotional health of her children, especially her older preteens.
"How children do [after the divorce] is directly proportional to how their custodial parent handles the divorce," Steele says. "I have had to take the emotion out of my dealings with my ex-husband and realize that even though I now have to work I still got the better of the deal. Even when my ex talks badly about me, I try to remain calm and just answer my children's questions."
Steele has seen the results of this approach in her children's behavior and their exemplary academic performances. She knows that her older children will draw their own conclusions about the divorce and their father without any negative input from her.
"It is also important that the custodial parent not play the game of 'because you won't pay child support I won't let you see the kids,'" Steele says. "Although it has been very frustrating, these issues are between him and me not our children."
"Preteens can be quite dogged in seeking out the truth, and any misleading statements you make to them are likely to come back to damage your relationship later on," Grelling says. "It is important not to lie or mislead them when they ask you questions about the divorce or issues surrounding it."
But Grelling does point out that it is not necessary to answer every question a preteen asks you. For example, if they ask for specifics abot why you divorced, it may be appropriate to say, "'It's not something you caused, and the details are private between your father and me,'" Grelling says. "Ideally, if you have some level of communication with your ex-spouse, you will contact them, let them know the conversation arose and tell them how you responded so you can stay on the same page."