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Home › Articles › Parenting Strategies › The Concept of Control

The Concept of Control

Are You Losing It With
Your Preteen?

By Teri Brown

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Are you losing control? Control is something parents think about a lot. Control of themselves, control of their children, control of their lives. The concept of control becomes especially troublesome during the preteen years when your children begin to truly individualize – and let's face it, get a bit mouthier, too! This is a time when you learn what kind of control you really have, over your children and yourself.

Karen Bush, mother of three from Great Falls, Va., wonders about control on a regular basis now that her 11-year-old has learned how to challenge her. "I sometimes have a problem with controlling my outbursts with my kids," she says. "This is not a frequent problem, but it seems to happen more as my children get older and think they can negotiate or talk back, even when the clear answer has been given."

What's Going On?
Bush has noticed how arguments with her preteen escalate more now than they did when her daughter was younger. This is often the case as children near the teen years. "When she starts yelling and crying, I have been known to yell back at her, then stop myself, say 'I need a few moments to myself," and leave her presence until I calm down," Bush says. "After the incident, I usually do go to her and ask if we can talk in nice tones with each other about what happened. I apologize if I have lost my temper with her and said something I regret. I think staying in control is extremely important – and extremely difficult – for parents."

Natalie Walker Whitlock from Chandler, Ariz., certainly relates. "I can just go and go and go and seem to handle things just fine and then all of a sudden – bam! – I snap," she says. "Sometimes I can be just as emotional as my 12-year-old daughter! If I catch myself in time, I will take a step back. If I am getting really upset, I will ask her to wait in her room and then come back in five to 10 minutes to try again – kind [of] like a mom time out."

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