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Home › Articles › Parenting Strategies › The Concept of Control

The Concept of Control

Are You Losing It With
Your Preteen?

By Teri Brown

Pages:  1  2  3  4  

  • Is it appropriate to be responding negatively to what the child has just done? If the answer to the first question is yes, then you need to think about your reaction to it. The age of the child is key here, as you expect different behavior from an 8-year-old than you do a 12-year-old. You also react differently.
  • Can you modify the situation? "Of course, you can't change what already has happened, but you can discourage this behavior from recurring," says Williams.
  • Is taking action worth it? Williams says to consider the needs of your child and your goals for your child, then ask yourself, is taking action worth it? "Perhaps whatever misbehavior the child engaged in was a result of unusual circumstances: too little sleep, too long since eating, too long a car ride," she says. "Or maybe the circumstances were more normal and you need to nip this behavior in the bud."

    • According to Williams, four "yeses" mean you need to establish limits with your child. His or her behavior is not acceptable. Remember you need to help the child to develop self-control. And also remember that one of the best ways to do this is to control yourself.

    Choosing Your Battles
    "You need to evaluate the importance of the situation and the appropriateness of your reaction," says Williams. "Getting your child to not behave in ways you can objectify – what you can see and hear – may be achievable; getting them to change attitudes and motives is a battle you're likely to lose. So don't focus attention of getting your preteen to stop giving you sulking dirty looks. What do you want to focus on this week? His room? Completing errands in a timely manner? No more mouthiness? You will probably help your child develop more self-control if you focus on one area at a time."

    Remembering to focus on one thing at a time will help you to feel you are proactive about the situation and keep your own control. "If you are about to lose control yourself or you have just had enough, ask your four questions right then," says Williams. "Whether action or deflection is called for, walking away to cool down can be a quite effective means of modeling control. Even if you get four yeses and you need to tell the child it's time to change the subject, that you are through listening, that you need to calm down first, the child is learning that negative feelings are natural. It's important to be able to calm down, and it's important to address negative situations."

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