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Watching the Clock
Negotiate and Enforce Curfews
By Carma Haley Shoemaker
On a typical Saturday night, hundreds of parents sit in front of their televisions, watching and waiting, wondering when their teens will finally get home. Meanwhile, the teens out on a Saturday night often lose track of time or forget that they even have a curfew.
When the teens finally return, the battles begin. The teens feel they should be allowed to stay out later. The parents want their teens home safe. So who's right and who's wrong?
"Teenagers are looking for independence," says Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages of Teenagers (Moody Publishers, 2001). "They want social, emotional and intellectual independence. The parents have to think not only independence, but also responsibility in order to find a middle ground to make all those involved happy."
Children want and demand independence as soon as they begin to walk. Once they master mobility, they no longer want to be carried or confined to a stroller. As they continue to grow, they learn to eat, climb stairs and dress, again demanding more independence.
It is no surprise that once a child reaches adolescence, the level of independence they seek is much higher. As a result, a middle ground must be found between what the teen wants and what the parent will allow.
One of the easiest ways to find the "middle of the road" regarding curfews is for parents and teens to compare and compromise on what they both want and expect. "There should be clear guidelines that detail the responsibilities and also the consequences if a teen violates these guidelines," Chapman says. "The teen should be in on the decision of setting up these guidelines and the process should begin in the early teenage years. When it's done this way the teenager accepts it as being more fair – because they had a part in it – and it keeps the parent from overreacting when the teenager gets into trouble or breaks one of the guidelines."