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Friends or Foes
Helping Your Tween Choose Healthy Friendships
By Kendeyl Johansen
Carle points out that boys are more reserved about talking about friendships than girls. "Parents will have to probe deeper to find out the scoop," she says. "Be careful, however, in not seeming to be nosy, but it's a challenge to unearth some preteen boys' thoughts when it comes to personal things."
Shannon Tilley, a Gilbert, Ariz., mother of six (including 9-year-old Jayce and 12-year-old Braden) uses stories about "Bobby Basketball" to discuss personal issues with her boys, including problems with friendship. "We play a lot of basketball at our house, and our kids know that Bobby Basketball is a boy that has been through every situation," she says. "These stories are usually aimed at one of the kids, and they know what they have done wrong by listening to the story. For example ... we might say, 'Bobby Basketball won the basketball game by making a 3-point shot, but then he threw his hands up in the air and yelled how good he was. His parents and friends were excited they won, but they thought he was a 'hot shot' and didn't like him taking all the credit for the game because of his last shot.'" After the stories, Tilley's kids add their comments and ideas about how Bobby can improve his behavior.
Carle says that one of the most important qualities for tweens to seek in friends is loyalty – especially during crisis. Crisis behavior for tweens includes back-stabbing, a friend dumping your child, friends all getting together and leaving your child out and lots of friends having sex or doing drugs, which leaves your child to make a potentially life-altering decision.