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Home › Articles › Parenting Strategies › Moms and Daughters

Moms and Daughters

Redefining the Relationship in the Preteen Years

By Tara Swords

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The results are mixed signals. Children want their own space and freedom, but they want and value parental support at the same time. Ali has noticed this contradiction in her own daughter.

"The past six months, it's been sort of like living with Sybil; one minute she's cuddly, the next minute..." she laughs. "It's not just every day that's different. It's every minute."

The Transfer of Power

Most of the disputes at this age will be over decision-making. Children want control over their own lives; yet parents are hesitant to hand over that control at a time when the stakes are much higher and bad decisions can have life-altering consequences. As Ali says, "The trouble [teens] get into is not about taking an extra cookie. It's a lot bigger than that."

But psychologists suggest that handing over some control can actually be part of the solution to teenage turmoil.

"One of the things that seems to be really predictive of how kids do is how much kids have a sense of mastery or control over different parts of their lives," Rudolph says. "Giving kids more independence may reduce some of this conflict. Allowing kids to make some of their own decisions – within reason – may actually help."

Ali decided to give her daughter some say in shopping for school clothes. She added up the estimated cost of everything Lexie would need for school. Then, she let her daughte decide what clothes to buy with that amount. Ali says it gives her daughter control over what she wears, which tends to be an important issue in the life of a 13-year-old girl.


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