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Home › Articles › Parenting Strategies › Moms and Daughters

Moms and Daughters

Redefining the Relationship in the Preteen Years

By Tara Swords

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"She's really enjoying that independence," Ali says. "It has made shopping with her easier. I found that putting the decision in her lap and the wallet in her pocket has made it so that she does ask my opinion."

Like A Big Oak Tree

Rudolph suggests that parents find the amount of involvement that both grants some autonomy and provides steady guidance.

"Being able to hold back a little bit, being involved but not necessarily over-involved," she advises. "That's difficult for parents to do and to know where to draw the line."

"I've heard a therapist describe it as where a parent should be a tree," Ali says. "Like a big oak tree and just be there and be stable when they want you. And when they move away, let them move away."

But Ali admits this is a difficult inaction to master, one that is antithetical to parental instinct.

"I think for me there's a real sorrow to it," she says. "I've lost a child. She's definitely a young lady in so many ways. It goes by so quickly and you're just not ready for it. You turn around and you're sharing shoes. And I miss the 4-year-old. I miss the 10-year-old that she was."

After a recent disagreement over extracurricular activities, Lexie suddenly flip-flopped and nonchalantly said she agreed with her mother's opinion.

Smiling, Ali asked, "What was that all about?"

Her daughter answered, "A power struggle."

"We try to have a sense of humor about it," Ali concludes. "If you can laugh about it, that's probably the best thing you can do."


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