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Parenting Preteenagers
Handling the Common Crises
By Julia Rosien
Help her build a vocabulary to describe her feelings and re-frame them in a positive light. Transform "sad," "bad" and "mad" to words that reflect positive qualities: "proud," "resourceful" and "strong." By building a self-talk vocabulary and talking herself through a dilemma with positive thinking, she can diffuse troublesome situations on her own. I have a problem, I don't want to deal with it, I have to deal with it, and finally, I can deal with this by...
As well as being with your children, it's important to be separate, too. When Mom has had a rough day and needs a few minutes to herself, that's OK. Model behavior your children can use when they don't want to talk. "Tell them if it's not a good time to talk, and respect that when they say it to you," Dejonge says. Children need to see parents taking time for themselves to realize how much better a relationship can be when you come together again.
What do you say when your daughter, in a fit of tears and desperation, wails this abysmal judgment of her life? Don't panic and don't deny it. Everyone has bad days once in a while and acknowledgment helps. "'Sounds like you've had a rough day. Let's talk,' is a great way to get her to open up," Dejonge says. Let her vent her feelings and explain why she feels no one likes her. Then help her to re-frame those negative feelings. Don't minimize her feelings by saying something like, "Lots of people like you. I like you." Try to empathize with her truth and talk about her feelings. Let her explore her relationships while you listen and gently nudge her along with statements like, "It sounds like you feel..." or "That must have really hurt your feelings."