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The Long Goodbye
Coping With the Death of a Friend By Felicia Hodges
"Between 8 and 12 years [of age], you can have a less sheltered kind of talk with the child," says Barbara Kidney, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in family therapy in upstate New York. "With an older child, you can kind of give them space to talk about what the experience is like."
And talking, Kidney points out, is important whether your child's friend dies suddenly like Anna did or is diagnosed with a terminal disease.
"From the get-go, it could be a good idea to offer the child an option of speaking with a professional," she says. "It could just be introduced as an opportunity to talk confidentially with an adult who specializes in helping people learn about their feelings. The general rule of thumb is that when the survivor starts experiencing grief and anxiety, you can begin with the offer of talking to someone outside of the home, be it a psychologist or clergy person."
"One of the worst things a parent can do is not talk about it," adds Barry Bachenheimer, a certified social worker. "It needs to be discussed when the child is ready, not minimized."
If your child is having difficulty opening up and has shrugged off the idea of seeing a professional, Bachenheimer says parents can encourage the child to write about the loss, either as a letter to the friend or in the form of a journal. "Also, things like holding on to a picture or a special memento of the person might be helpful as well," he says.
However, Samantha did suffer a big drop in her grades, even in subjects that used to be relatively easy for her, which Kidney says is not uncommon at all. "Some degree of change either in school work or social functioning is normal, at least for a while," she says. "One thing to do is to alert a trusted person at school about what the child is experiencing."