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The Long Goodbye
Coping With the Death of a Friend By Felicia Hodges
Shortly after, both she and Samantha began attending a support group for people who have suffered a traumatic loss. Madeline attributes Samantha's recent re-involvement in school, church and other social activities and her steady honor roll grades to being able to share what she was feeling with others who had experienced a loss, too.
According to Kidney, some of the difficulties that children have when coming to grips with a loss could be attributed to the ways in which our society handles the concept of death. "Part of the baggage we all deal with after a loss is psychological," she says. "We do so much shielding from sickness and death in this culture, and we live under the illusion that youth is everlasting."
In other cultures where different death rituals are observed, death is treated more as another stage of life, Kidney explains. Children who see death in such a way often use different methods of dealing with the loss. Honesty about family beliefs and what happens after a person dies are important, she says, because they can be used in constructive ways. For example, if you believe in an after-life or the idea that the qualities a person exhibited in life may live on after he or she is physically gone, it could help bridge the gap from grief to acceptance.
"Use whatever tools you need to, but know that it is necessary for the parent to be as honest as possible with the child," Bachenheimer says. "That could be the most important way to help the child deal with the death of an important friend."
"It's an ongoing process," Madeline says. "It's been three years, but I'm glad she's more like her old self again."
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.