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Home › Diaries › Shel › September 5, 2007

Shel's Diary Entries

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Another Year, and It Scares Me

September 5, 2007

Each time he walks out the door for school, I am struck with the realization that when he arrives home later in the day he will be older, changed yet again. That's how quick this growing up seems to be happening. While I like it for the most part, I'd be a liar if I said it didn't scare me, and it scares me for a whole host of reasons.

Freedom is something that is becoming the norm now. He's a good kid, so I don't prevent him from doing much. Fortunately, he doesn't ask to do anything incredibly outrageous. Still, he walks to school. He hangs out with his buddies. He instant messages. He goes on vacations with his friends and their families -- without me. In short, he has a life outside of me, and I find that scary. I can't always be there anymore to keep him safe. And he's the first one to remind me that I don't NEED to be there as much.

Feelings are changing as well. I know he loves me, and I love him, but it's not that all consuming, suffocating kind of love that had me up at night just watching him breath when he was a baby. And lately, I am reminded that I'm not the only female in his life that warrants his attention. There is one particular 11-year-old girl that he is becoming more and more interested in. Sure, he's young; she's young. There is little interaction between them, but I see what's coming, and it scares me.

Words take on new meaning. I've caught him using an unsavory word or two when he's upset. I hear "I love you" much less -- actually non-existant when he's around friends. Of course, I expect that. But that doesn't mean I don't miss that. He also doesn't call me "Mommy" and more. I get a grunted "Mum" most of the time, and if he happens to be in a particularly fun mood, I am referred to as "Mommers." We talk, but I'm noticing that the talks are getting heavier. We're talking about world events, safety issues, sex, relationships, prejudices, drugs, alcohol, cancer, smoking, death... I am so thankful to be having the conversations with him, but it scares me.

Health wise, I had hoped he would "outgrow" his asthma by now, but now such luck. He has had a terrible football season so far, having a serious attack during the second day of camp. He is now on increased doses of his medication, and he is taking his emergency inhaler with him to all practices. Last night we had to start regular nebulizer treatments. His vulnerability to this disease scares me.

It really doesn't get any easier, does it? I remember holding him while he cried, rocking him, praying that whatever was wrong would be fixed. I remember thinking, "I can't wait until he's old enough to tell us what's wrong." I remember thinking, "I can't wait until he's old enought o be less dependent on me." Well, that has all come to pass, and I am just as scared today as I was the day I brought him home.

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