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Expert Q&A
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| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
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I just discovered that my daughter doesn't want to be friends with someone who has been her best friend for two years (we are also good friends with the whole family). This friend, as it turns out, is a bully, making my daughter and others take up her trash at lunch, making fun of my daughter (and other friends) for her looks, etc. It's a real power game.
My question is, do I speak to this girl's mother? My daughter does not know what to do to end the friendship, but mostly she fears retaliation from this girl. She is afraid this girl will get her other friends to "hate" her, and then she will have no friends. My daughter is extremely timid and shy. I am stuck in the middle. The girl's mother calls me almost daily to arrange play dates that my daughter does not want to attend. I have been lying to get out of the play dates but really feel for both my daughter's and my sake that I need to intervene. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks!"
If I'm in your shoes, the first thing I do is get a take on my daughter; what does she want me to do? Involving the other girl's parents may or may not have the desired effect. There is obviously a lot they don't know about their daughter, and that's not necessarily a slam on them, just a fact. You might want to know how they'll respond with her, because the result could easily be this girl becoming even more bullying.
I don't know how timid and shy your daughter is, but if there are truly other friends suffering like she is, they could have a lot of power if they teamed up and refused to be bullied. That's the direction I would explore first, because if they can stave this off, all of them will feel empowered.
Bullies are bullies for a reason, and it is almost never just meanness. It's more often insecurity and fear and an inability to communicate those fears to anyone who can help. This may be one of those defining situations for your daughter where she begins to learn what real friendship is and discovers a way to choose the kinds of people she wants to hang around. If the timid and shy part of her is debilitating, this may be a chance to work on it. If she can find a way to empower herself, and include those other bullied friends, she'll have a life lesson.
If, on the other hand, it seems as if this is not a situation she can gain control of, and she agrees, then I'd just be straightforward with the parents the next time they ask to set up a date. In the end, that conversation is probably a good one to have anyway, because it sounds like these people don't know what's going on and will need to have conversations with their daughter anyway, but if you can have that discussion when your own daughter's well-being isn't involved, it's likely to be better heard. Tough situation, one that requires your good judgment."
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