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Expert Q&A

	By Keath Castelloe Low child and adolescent psychologist

I am a stepparent to a 13-year-old who has always had problems with having a smart mouth – but never out of control. She moved in with her father and me in 2001. At the time she was living with her grandmother, and her mom was full of empty promises. All she did when she first moved in was rebel and want to move back in with her grandmother, which was not an option. Her mother struggled with drug addictions and abusive relationships. We have tried to provide her with a loving home, and she has two sisters that are her father and my children together (2 and 5). Recently, her grades have started to slip, and her mouth is worse. My husband is one of those people that believes in punishment, and I must say that I tend to agree with him. We do not hit except the occasional smack when she is standing in your face and mouths off (maybe twice a year). I have thought about seeking counseling for her, because I know her father will not go, but I am not sure if that is necessary. Her mother is doing better – so we're told – but how do we know for sure? She and her boyfriend live with her brother, his girlfriend and their two children with one more on the way in a two-bedroom apartment. My stepdaughter wants to live with her mom, especially because we will be moving out of state in eight months. I understand that she wants to be with her mom, but her mom has no vehicle, no place of her own, no driver's license – because she lost it for some crime. My husband thinks his way is always best and does not even talk to her mother unless he has to. So much more to say, but not enogh time. Let me know if I should seek counseling or if it is just nothing.

Your stepdaughter is very lucky to have you! You and her father provide her with safety and consistency that she misses with her mother.

Your big question is about counseling. Yes, I think counseling would be very beneficial for your stepdaughter. She has gone through quite a lot and is having a tough time now. Counseling will give her a place to process feelings about her mother's inadequacies.

Your husband may not be open to going himself, but individual counseling for your daughter could have wonderful benefits if she is open to it and if you find a therapist with whom she can connect. Eventually, if things are improving and your husband sees the benefits, he may be open to meeting together as a family for some of the sessions.

The therapist could also be a great support to you in helping to develop strategies at home to ease your stepdaughter through this difficult period, as well as giving you practical strategies to cope with your stepdaughter's disrespectful behaviors.

I understand that there are times you and your husband feel at your wits end with your stepdaughter, especially when she gets up in your face and is rude and disrespectful. She is extremely lucky to have you and it may feel at times that she doesn't appreciate all you do when she is rebellious and keeps wanting to go back with her mother. You must restrain yourself from hitting her. There are other, more productive ways to deal with her behavior and a counselor can help you with this. That is not to say that your daughter should not receive consequences for her behavior. She most definitely should, just not hitting.

When your stepdaughter begins to get in your face, simply walk away from her. Do not let her engage you in a power struggle with words. When things are settled, sit down with her and her father and the three of you discuss consequences for her disrespectful behaviors. Loss of privileges is good for this age. When she displays the problematic behaviors again, enforce the consequences. You may also want to set up a reward system where she can earn privileges with good behaviors.

Check in with your stepdaughter's teachers to get a better read on her behaviors at school and slipping grades. Try to set up some one on one time with her for just the two of you. This way she can experience the maternal bond she misses so much with her mother. One on one time with her father would be very beneficial, as well. Let her know you love her and she is special.

Life with her mother sounds chaotic, disappointing and unsafe. Your daughter is much better off with you and her father in a predictable, consistent, loving environment. A move will be difficult, but it may also provide a new start for her.

I certainly understand your husband's avoidance of your stepdaughter's mother. It sounds like she struggles with so much in her own life, substance abuse and abusive relationships, that she is not capable of taking care of or of having a positive maternal relationship with her daughter. Does she express interest in having contact with her daughter? She was inconsistent and "full of empty promises" in the past. If she is not expressing any interest, your husband is on the right track in limiting contact. It just sets your stepdaughter up for more disappointment.

If her mother is requesting contact, you may want to set up a gradual plan in which she earns more and more contact with her daughter as she is able to comply and be consistent. For example, set up a night or two a week when there are scheduled phone calls that the mother must initiate. If she is able to do this for awhile, you can move up to supervised visits. Because of her past drug additions and abusive relationships, there are some concerns about her ability to provide a safe environment for her daughter, thus I would have these visits supervised either by you or another adult you trust. If she continues to comply and is drug free, capable and able to make good parenting decisions, you can slowly move to regular visits.

You may find that she is not even able to follow through with the phone calls. If she cannot even call her daughter at a time you mutually agree upon, there is little point in continued contact at this time. It will only set your stepdaughter up for repeated heartbreak and rejection.

A counselor can help you with such a plan. She can also help your daughter better understand her mother's limitations. While her mother is obviously a powerful connection in her life, she will likely never be the mother your stepdaughter longs for her to be. Once your stepdaughter comes to terms with this, she will be better able to understand and accept that this is the way her mother is and will be able to move on with a more realistic relationship with her.

Think of how it must feel when your own mother doesn't seem to care enough to do the things she needs to do. It can make someone feel very unloved, unimportant, rejected and abandoned. These are likely feelings your stepdaughter experiences.

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