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Expert Q&A

	By Keath Castelloe Low child and adolescent psychologist

My 9-year-old stepdaughter recently told me that she and the neighborhood boy who is only a grade ahead of her are boyfriend and girlfriend. I asked her what girlfriends and boyfriends do. She told me they talk on the phone and care about each other. Then she told me that they kiss. She was so excited about her first kiss. She flirts with boys and men. She only sees her father on weekends and I think that she is searching for love and acceptance. I am concerned. Is this normal?

Children often grow up too quickly and are exposed to inappropriate sexualized behaviors before they are ready. Often the songs they listen to and the television shows and movies they watch reinforce this. Magazines, music videos, the Internet, advertizing, all contribute as well. Your instincts are telling you that your stepdaughter is too young to be engaging in kissing. Trust your instincts. You also express concerns about her flirtatious behaviors with boys and men. Again trust your instincts.

At 9-years-old, your stepdaughter is just entering into puberty. Her body may be beginning to develop, hormones are flowing, and she is becoming more and more aware of her sexuality. She is beginning to prepare for the transition into adolescence and adulthood. She may feel more grown up and independent. Many kids begin to develop sexual and romantic feelings during puberty. Her sexual identity is forming. She has given you a wonderful opening to discuss relationships and sex. Follow up with her on this issue. The trick is to be nonjudgmental, open and honest about sexuality, yet at the same time communicating values of waiting to engage in kissing, fondling and sexual intercourse until she is older. Healthy sexuality is a good thing. It is perfectly normal for her to be increasingly curious about adult sexual behavior. Teach her, protect her, and talk with her about healthy sexual development. These conversations will provide her with information and skills to make responsible decisions continuing on through adulthood.

It is a great sign that your stepdaughter is sharing with you. Good communication is key. Continue to be open, positive, supportive and approachable.

Discuss your concerns with her father. Enlist the help of other parental figures in reinforcing these values. These adults can also give loving feedback about flirting behaviors when she displays them and model other ways to interact with the opposite sex.

You note that your stepdaughter seems to be searching for love and acceptance. Try to sort out ways she can receive positive attention and special one-on-one time from her father and other important adults in her life. If her father can't be with her on a daily basis, he can still check in on the phone and be an active presence in her life. She needs him to help teach your family's values.

Plan special times for you and your step-daughter to get together. Nurture the mother/daughter bond you have with her. Schedule special movie or television nights where you watch age appropriate shows together. Fix a big bowl of popcorn and talk about the relationships in the movie. Media for her age group should model healthy, age appropriate interactions. Talk with her about your own experiences at her age.

Get to know her friends. Volunteer for school activities if you are able to. Peers become a huge influence during this time period. Supervise her interactions with the neighborhood boy. You don't have to cut him out. Her relationship with him provides a "teachable moment" where you can help her develop healthy, age appropriate interactions.

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