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Expert Q&A
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| By Jennifer Brout-Lynn psychologist | ||
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My daughter is finally old enough (14) and responsible enough to be let home alone for shorter periods of time. This is usually when her younger sibling has football practice or another obligation that she doesn't want to attend. I just found out that the last time she was alone, she had the neighbor girl, who is 14, and two neighbor boys (12 and 13) into the house to watch TV. When confronted about it, she admitted it, and said it was no big deal. I told her that from now on nobody is to be in the house but her when there are no parents home. She is extremely angry with me, and says that I just proved to her that I don't trust her. I said it's them and not her, but she came back with the fact that they are all good kids and close to our family and that I am then guilty of not trusting them or her judgment. I am so confused now, and I worry I have made a mistake that will damage our relationship forever. Can you help me?
Teens often pull out the "trust" card when they actually are feeling guilty because they think they have betrayed your trust! She is probably experiencing a combination of guilt mixed with resenment. The resenment is simply based on her wanting to have her friends over when you are not home. The best way to handle this is to address both her guilt (although not explicitly) while standing your ground about the issue. Try to assuage her feelings by explaining that you do trust her and that she should not feel badly about what has happened in the past. However, explain that you do not feel comfortable having other kids in the house when you are not home and that you are asking that she respects your wishes. You might try explaining to her that the issue isn't about "trust" but that you are ultimately responsible for what goes on in your house even if you are not there, and that you still feel that she is too young to be unsupervised. All you can do is reassure her and know that she will get the message.
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