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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

My father was a quick-tempered man and I think I inherited his anger. When my son, age 7, misbehaves -- something he does quite a bit as he is hyperactive -- I just lose it. I don't hit him, but I yell a lot. But when I see his face, I see the same hurt I remember feeling when my dad yelled at me. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know what to do when he acts up. How can I keep my cool?

First I appreciate your reaching out and asking for answers and support, as that seems to be a rare occurrence in the world of men!

Perhaps a bit of background will be helpful here: When an adult reverts to either intimacy or any form of anger, all that is happening is that individual in that moment is reverting back to an earlier emotional childhood state. If one pays attention one can even see what age the adult is acting out. To check this out, watch the politicians on SPAN ranting away at an empty chamber, shouting unkind things to foes that are not even in the room, and you can easily identify what age they are acting out: 14-year-old bully or sulky 8-year-old, etc.

So back to you! When you are towering over your 7-year-old and shouting away, you are appearing to him as a huge bully boy while your acting out an earlier emotional childhood age -- except your in a huge body, compared to your son! This is not a really about your 7-year-old "acting" up since that is what he is supposed to be doing. A child has one job in life, and that is "to test his parents" to learn where the boundaries are, to learn the rules if you will. I invite you to really step back and see what an incredible gift your son is to you, and to use that to empower yourself to clean up your behavior.

This is about you gaining control of your emotions, and to stop blaming your behavior on your son's actions. Hello! Someone has to be the adult, and you?re the one that said "I do!"

There are many anger control therapies, books etc, but it will finally come down to your willingness to do whatever it takes to be a responsible adult and father.

Yes, you can blame it on those who brought you here, but notice the difference that does NOT make! I invite you to make a new promise to your son regarding your outbursts, and when you break that promise, have a consequence in there for yourself. And it's OK to have some fun with this, as humor goes a long way in defusing high drama. Perhaps with your son, a consequence for you "shouting inappropriately" would be your spending extra time with him, taking him to the zoo, building a model plane, etc.

And, I don't mean in lieu of spending regular quality time with him, I mean additional quality time! How could either one of you lose on this?

You only have your child for a very short while, then you may never have him again. Good luck!

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