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Expert Q&A

	By Jenny Lewis, M.D. Pediatrician

I have a 12-year-old, almost 13-year-old, stepdaughter who is very to herself and does not care about her appearance at all. She hardly ever talks and is never in a good mood. She comes from a family that just yells, has no love and is very solemn. I try to encourage her to fix herself up a little, but she does not want to. She tells me that she doesn't care. Her favorite color is black and that bothers me. I have talked to my husband and he says that he was quiet as a kid and I just have a problem with it. She is never very social at all. Can you give me any suggestions? I know that I am not her mom, but I am a concerned stepmom.

I understand your concern. Many preteenagers are withdrawn and moody around adults. But in your situation you need to separate out the various possible causes.

Sometimes teenagers reserve their "worst" behaviors for their stepparents as a sort of challenge to their authority. (The "YouŲe not my real Mom, so you canŴ tell me anything" syndrome.) It would be a mistake to get into a power struggle with her over her appearance. It is fine to share your point of view with her, but also be prepared to listen to hers.

Sometimes behaviors like you describe are indications of an underlying problem or depression. If she is succeeding at school, has plenty of friends and appears outgoing and happy except towards you, there is probably less to worry about than if she has failing grades, poor friendships, and no positive outside interests -- in which case I would advise at least conferencing with her teachers and guidance counselor at school to get a more rounded picture of what is going on.

Her father seems less worried than you. Could he be right in thinking this behavior is consistent with her personality? It sounds as if he thinks you are being unnecessarily critical of her (and, as he seems to identify with her behaviors, maybe he feels you are also being critical of him!). Be careful not to be perceived as interfering with his relationship with his daughter and make sure you agree on what should or should not be said to her about her behavior before putting her in the middle.

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