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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

I am a 26-year-old working mom with a 10-year-old stepson and a baby due in four days. My husband is 42 years old. We have been married for more than two years and are living in the home that he built for his first wife. Jacob, my stepson, lives with us, as his mom died eight years ago.

To put it simply, I think Jacob and I hate each other, and it's destroying our family. We don't yell and scream, but there is a lot of silence between us. We try our best to ignore each other or to hurt one another by the things we do or say. One recent example: Jacob insists on telling our friends and family in front of me that the house we live in belongs to him and his dad and not to me. I find this very offensive coming from a 10-year-old, especially when I work and pay bills in that house just like his dad does.

The problem is that my husband has refused to correct this and other rude behavior, saying that he does not want to get involved in our 'spats.' But when I do something in retaliation (perhaps admittedly childish), he jumps to Jacob's rescue.

My first reaction to Jacob's behavior is to slap him silly (which I have done in the past, unfortunately), but I know that this does not help. What can I do if his dad will not correct him? I see my husband and I headed for divorce court if we can't work things out with Jacob. Please help.

Since it doesn't appear that either your husband or stepson are willing to change their behavior, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to change yours. It is a misconception that both people have to work at a relationship for it to change. If one person alters their responses, it forces others to change roles. Usually the healthiest, most mature or most hurt person in a family is the one who is the most capable of change.

Essentially your stepson is bullying you, and you are biting the bait. To untangle yourself from this role you need to make unexpected responses. For instance, when he says that you live in HIS and HIS dad's house, you might reply, "Jacob has such an interesting way of trying to make me feel welcome," or "I've been so successful at helping Jacob and his father bond." His offensive comments will be easier to deal with than the stony silences. You need to treat them by ACTING AS IF he is saying something nice, ACTIVELY LISTENING for underlying feelings, ASKING QUESTIONS or making HUMOROUS (hypnotic) comments. You are only acting childish because you feel powerless and don't know what else to do.

During stony silences, Jacob is distancing. It could be easy to get caught in the role of pursuing. Consider his silences a vacation. Do not try to make contact, but be available when he does talk and find ways to turn his rudeness into roses. The book, How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies, and booklet, Waltzing Through Emotional Landmines, are both excellent resources for a change in approach.

Good luck,
Kate Cohen-Posey, MS, LMHC, LMFT
Author of How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies"

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