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Expert Q&A

	By John C. Friel, Ph.D. Psychologists

I have been married to my wonderful husband for about six and a half years now. I am raising two 12-year-old girls (since they were 5 years old). One is my biological daughter and the other my stepdaughter. My daughter does not get very good grades in school, but is responsible. My stepdaughter is not responsible, but is good in school. It has been suggested that I take time to my self daily, because I also have another three children. To make a long story short, it is hard for me to keep my cool when they are rebellious. I don't get physical, but I get defensive and it is hard for me to stop and hear their side of the story. So, they just get disciplined (privileges taken away). Please tell me: What is the best way to love and discipline without going crazy?

You say that you have two 12-year-old girls and three other children. I'm assuming that, for the moment, it's the 12-year-olds who are being rebellious.You also say that you "get defensive and that it is hard for you to hear their side of the story, and so they just get disciplined by having privileges taken away."

First, it sounds like you are having the normal struggles all parents have with kids who are just about to become teenagers. Second, it is very important to take time for yourself daily, as someone has suggested to you. When we are stressed out, we tend to do and say things that we later regret. There is a useful acronym borrowed from Alcoholics Anonymous -- HALT -- which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. These are the states in which people are most likely to relapse and drink alcohol again. But for everyone, these are also the states in which we do our worst parenting and our worst relating in our marriages.

You don't say whether or not you are working outside of the home, but whether you are or not, trying to raise five kids is a full-time job by itself. I would also want to know what role your husband plays in the disciplining of the girls and if the two of you are in sync when it comes to rules and follow-through.

Aside from those questions, I find that for all of us who struggle to raise children, it is our own anxiety that causes the most trouble, and that when we learn to manage our anxiety, it is usually easier. For example, let's say that one of the 12-year-olds knows that she has to finish her homework and show it to you before she can watch any television. Being in a rebellious mood, she shouts from the family room, "Yeah, I did it!" as she turns on the TV. My anxiety as a parent might be two-fold. I would worry that she hasn't done her homework and that she will fail in school and therefore fail in life, and I would worry that I was losing control and authority, and that if I lose control and authority, I will be a "bad" parent, and therefore I will be a failure at life. I know that may sound extreme, but if we are honest with ourselves, that's what it usually comes down to.

As the adults in the family, it is our job to master our own feelings before we can expect our teens to master theirs. If you are getting exasperated, take two steps back from the center of the conflict and tell yourself that you don't have to come up with an immediate response. Think it through. If need be, confer with your spouse. For example, you might sit down with him in the bedroom and say, "She's not following through with reporting on her homework before she turns on the TV. Can you back me up if we remove the TV from the family room for 24 hours?" After the two of you agree on a solution to the problem, continue to calm yourself, and then the two of you can go back out and very calmly and matter-of-factly turn off the TV, unplug it, and carry it into the garage or your bedroom closet.

You might think that is a pretty extreme solution for such a minor problem, but I use it to make a point. We parents often make a simple mistake that has far-reaching consequences. The mistake is that we have too many rules, none of which is enforced consistently. It is better to have a few rules that are sacred and pretty much non-negotiable, so pick your battles wisely, and then make sure you have a strategy.

Having a strategy means that you've thought it through and know how you will react ahead of time. While it is difficult in the middle of a hectic day to always have a strategy ahead of time -- when these more protracted power struggles begin to appear -- it is in your and your children's best interests to step away from the conflict until you do.

Sometimes calmly stepping back from the conflict while you formulate your strategy can be the best thing you do for yourself and your kids.

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