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Expert Q&A

	By Elizabeth Pantley Child Behavior Expert Better Beginnings, Inc.

How can I help teach my 11-year-old daughter not to over exaggerate when something happens? Example: She starts screaming blue bloody murder. We run to her room to find a light bulb had blown out on her turtle tank. We thought something serious had happened. This has happened before. Please help prevent a heart attack.

How can I help teach my 11-year-old daughter not to over exaggerate when something happens? Example: She starts screaming blue bloody murder. We run to her room to find a light bulb had blown out on her turtle tank. We thought something serious had happened. This has happened before. Please help prevent a heart attack.

Numerous studies have shown that temperament is apparent in infancy and remains consistent throughout life. Parents who ignore a childų inborn nature are doomed to struggle against it, while parents who identify and work with it find the parenting journey more pleasant. Perhaps the best parenting move you can make right now is to form a picture of your child's temperament and learn how to best parent her.

The situation that you describe falls into the area of Intensity of Emotion and can be separated into two types: High or Moderate Intensity. Because the whole world knows when your daughter is happy or angry and because she has intense responses to life and displays her emotions without reserve, itų clear that she falls into the high intensity category.

When a child reacts with high emotional intensity in any given situation, the parent typically responds in kind. For example, a child who is screaming in a temper tantrum or shouting in anger usually causes a parent to raise her voice to an equal volume. But this doesnŴ teach a child how to control her own emotions and often escalates the situation. As difficult as it may be, thoughtful action and reasonable voice are the best responses. Over time, enough parental modeling can help an intense child learn how to control herself.

Try the ôStop-Space-Regroup-Redoö technique:

Stop: When you begin to feel your own emotions escalate, stop. Stop talking. Stop moving. Defuse your own emotions first so you can help your child.

Space: Put some distance between yourself and your child. If your child is a baby, toddler, or preschooler, put her in a safe spot (in her crib or the arms of another person). If your child is older, remove yourself from the situation with a good exit line: ôIŭ going to the bathroom. Be right back.ö

Regroup: Take some deep breaths and think over the situation. Calm yourself down and decide how you will handle things. This is far better than simply reacting in the heat of the moment.

Redo: Come back to your child with a clear idea of what you are trying to accomplish."

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