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Expert Q&A

	By Keath Castelloe Low child and adolescent psychologist

I have a 9-year-old boy who has exhibited some bully behavior on the bus. Earlier in the year, he was in trouble for tripping a kid, and this time he slapped a kid. What should we do about the behaviors? What type of discipline would be the most effective? Right now we have removed him from the bus, and we take him to school where he waits for the start of school in the office.

Children who regularly bully others are at a much greater risk for developing more serious behavior problems as they grow older. Being aware of the behavior problems and taking them seriously is the first step in helping your son make a change. You are on the right track.

Let your son know that you have zero tolerance for his aggressive behaviors. Discuss consequences for any further problems. If he exhibits the behaviors enforce the consequences immediately. Be matter of fact, but firm. Do not allow him to engage you in power struggles or arguments. Simply remind him of the consequences.

Loss of privileges is an effective consequence for this age group. He may lose his television or computer privileges. He may have to do chores after school rather than play outside with a friend. He might lose the privilege of going on a special outing. Early bedtime is an additional option.

Together decide consequences for his aggressive behaviors. Including him in this discussion not only gets him to take responsibility for the behaviors, it also reiterates that he is the one who must make the change. Be aware, however, that kids this age are masters at minimizing and not taking responsibility. Listen to him and allow him to share, but do not allow him to dismiss responsibility for his behaviors.

Physical consequences like spanking are not appropriate. This type of response models the very behavior you are trying to get your son to eliminate. It sends the message that it is okay to resolve problems with physical reactions.

Supervision is important. It is hard to provide supervision on the school bus, so removing your son from the bus is a good logical consequence. As his behaviors improve he may be able to earn that privilege back.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the negative behaviors that we forget to point out the positive behaviors. Praise can be extremely powerful. Be sure to "catch your son being good." Reward his positive behaviors with a special outing with family or special one on one time with you or his father. Model pro-social behaviors at home and give him lots of opportunities to be around positive interactions.

Try to get your son to develop empathic feelings for the peers he has hurt. What might he feel like if he was tripped at school or slapped on the bus? Talk with him about what it feels like to be bullied. Help him make amends to these peers with an apology.

See if you can get more information about the underlying cause of his negative behaviors. Is something making him feel especially insecure at school or at home? Talk with him. Talk with his teachers. If you can get to the root of his bullying behaviors, it will be easier to help him process these feelings and move on to more positive interactions.

Try to observe his interactions with peers. Get to know his friends. Are they good influences? If they are not, limit his time with them.

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