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Expert Q&A

	By iParenting Staff iParenting Staff Experts

My 11-year-old is very defiant -- what should I do?

Preadolescence is a difficult time for most kids. They are beginning the quest to establish their own identity, and in the process are often moody and unwilling to accept your rules or revolt against long-standing family routines. In your sonų case he is probably also struggling with feelings about the divorce and what his role will be in this new, expanded family. On top of all that, if he is in a transition to a middle school he can easily feel overwhelmed and may not be willing to play the "leader" among a group of step-siblings he may not know well or even like. When life feels like itų too much -- not going to school is one clear way to give the message.

IŤ certainly try to set up a system where the other kids are ready and go to school regardless of what he does. Take some time to talk with him alone about all the changes, reflecting that you realize he may find this hard, he may even feel lonely since he must be getting less of your attention. Occasionally spending individual time with him on some activity will also help.

Also donŴ ignore that 5th-6th grade is a time when many children experience new peer difficulties -- especially if they are embarrassed or upset about a divorce or re-marriage. He may be telling you itų OK, that nothing is wrong, but the behavior suggests otherwise. Also this is a time when school work becomes more conceptual and academic demands increase, and he may be having problems, so check with the teachers."

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