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Expert Q&A
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| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
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My granddaughter is about to turn 11. My son and his first wife have divorced û both remarried. The "X" has physical custody and does not honor my son's wishes to not let his daughter grow up too fast.
- At 10, she began shaving her legs (no hair, but she's shaving!).
- At 10 1/2, she got a cell phone, which my son absolutely forbade since she's on the phone till 10 every night anyway! Her mother can't stop her and "lets" her stay up till 11 or later every night. I quote, "I feel bad."
- She's been wearing bras for several months now. She does NOT need one. Her mother is 32, and she still doesn't need one. It's because of peer pressure, I'm sure, and Mom can't say no.
- Mother got her a cell phone. Of course, she signed up for Napster the first month and went over her minutes the first two months she had it, but her mother won't take it away, because (and again I quote), "I feel bad."
- Her mother allowed her to go to a Halloween party this year. She got in at midnight! She's 10 years old!
This has NEVER been mentioned to my granddaughter, and no one has any intention of doing so, but this is our fear: that she'll turn out like her mother. Mom is on her third marriage. She cheated on the first two husbands, including my son. She got pregnant twice, which is why my son and her current husband married her û for the baby! Cheating seems to be a family tradition as the maternal grandparents divorced because he was sleeping with someone who lived near his work, and she was sleeping with her boss!
As you can see, we are afraid that the lack of any type of discipline, the fear of saying no to a child and the lack of family values will give way to a granddaughter who is 10 and 11, thinking she's 16, and who is sleeping around by the time she's 12. Am I overreacting? Is this child abuse or at least neglect?
Courts don't see fathers' rights, and the mother is NOT always right. Bottom line: I'm old fashioned, and I think 10 and 11 is too young for showing off her belly, talking on phones all night, shaving and being out till 12. Oh, and Mom just took her to have her hair dyed! Opinions, please. Thank you very, very much.
You're caught in Divorce Hell on this one, and unfortunately there aren't a lot of options. If you feel it is abuse, you can get a GOOD lawyer and be ready to spend a lot of money and MAYBE get a custody change; and probably not. There is no way you can have much affect on your ex-daughter-in-law's parenting habits, unless you befriend her and try to work with her. You would know whether or not her personality structure would accommodate that.
The one thing your son can do is model the behaviors he wants to pass down and hold to his own structure during the time she is with him. I don't know what the custody agreement is, but you can always go to court for modifications on that also. Again, that's expensive, particularly if she has the resources to hire an equally "talented" lawyer. This is one of those situations where we need to get the education in to people like your son before they fall into something that puts them so clearly over their heads, because I have rarely seen a case like this work out well.
The best you all can do is show this 10-year-old your values by living them. You're right not to say things about her mom in front of her. It just sets up more conflict and asks a 10-year-old to make decisions she isn't developmentally ready to make. I share your concerns. Unfortunately, bad parenting doesn't constitute technical abuse, so it's almost impossible to get children's services involved, unless there is a dangerous event. Wish I had better news.
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