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Expert Q&A

	By John C. Friel, Ph.D. Psychologists

For the past six years, I have been a step-mother to two children, now ages 9 and 12. They have four parents and move back and forth between the two houses every two days. I have tried to raise them with the high moral standards that I grew up with, which are much different than the other set of parents. My husband is supportive of the way I raise the children, but he does not carry out the same standards when I am not home. I feel I am fighting a loosing battle, especially since we are heading into the teenage years where limits are tested even more. The children enjoy telling me what their mother has let them get away with at her house. Should step-parents just defer to the standards set by the parents? What is my role?

There may be differing opinions about this, but in our thinking about it, a step-parent's role is to co-parent with the biological parent, and thus the same rule that applies to two biological parents applies to the two of you: your job is to try to struggle to come to agreement over parenting rules and beliefs, and, as much as possible, enforce them equally. You have no power to control what happens in someone else's household, so just focus on your own.

You may have noticed I use the word "struggle." Struggle is a good thing. It is what keeps parents honest and marriages alive and vibrant. You and your husband need to have some healthy conflict about this, and if you can't, then find a good counselor in your area who can help you engage in this conflict in healthy ways.

With the kids heading into the teen years, it will only get worse unless you and your husband can come to some agreement. And remember, you can't be 100% correct, nor can he. You'll have to "give" a little and move in his direction, and he'll have to "give" a little and move in yours.

As for the other household and what the kids say about it, ignore it. It doesn't pertain to your household. Just say: "Okay. And when you're in this house, these are the rules. All people need to learn how to follow different sets of rules in different places. It's part of life."

John C. Friel, Ph.D. http://www.clearlife.com"

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