728x90
my iParenting
From Our Sponsors
e-newsletters
Sign up to receive our free weekly e-newsletters

new terms of use
new privacy policy
award-winning products
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families.
Home › Expert Q&A › Friendships › How do I help my 10-year-old when she is shunned by her peers?

Expert Q&A

 

By Sonny Elliott
Family Counselor/Author

How do I help my 10-year-old when she is shunned by her peers for following her heart on what's right and wrong? She likes everyone and is always kind. Some of her friends don't like those who are not "cool" and tend to exclude my daughter.

From time to time there are individuals who are in a different league or on a different path than the masses, and it sounds to me as if you may have one of those on your hands, and if so -- congratulations!

Of course each individual has his own sense of right and wrong, and that is why there are differences between individuals; that is, when one person's values are inconsistent with another. Great relationships are not based upon friendships being violated nor are they "conditional,ö and while this may be a bit advanced for your 10-year old, I suspect not. There are others out there with your daughterų standards, values, and heart. I would invite your daughter to "stand her ground.ö Perhaps she is a leader and has simply not discovered that about herself.

Great leaders never have asked for permission nor do they attempt to fit in. They look to see what is needed and wanted, and take action consistent with their vision. What is really "cool" is being true to yourself, and standing your ground without agreement. Again this might be a bit much for a youngster of this age, but then that is your opportunity to empower her in her self-worth, her uniqueness, and the possibilities that she represents.

All that is happening when one person or group is making another one wrong, is attempting to justify their own inadequacies, to feel less guilty, and -- like the school yard bully -- they need a victim. No one can be a victim unless they give their permission! In life we tend to get what we focus on. And, I invite you and your daughter to not focus on being excluded, from what perhaps could be labeled ôsmall-minded" friends, (and they get this from their home environments) but rather on the type of friends she would like to have.

YouŲe on a most interesting journey. Enjoy!

Related Expert Q&A

More Answers by this Expert

View more Q&A by this Expert