728x90
my iParenting
From Our Sponsors
e-newsletters
Sign up to receive our free weekly e-newsletters

new terms of use
new privacy policy
award-winning products
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families.
Home › Expert Q&A › Friendships › How do I help my daughter when her friends turn on her?

Expert Q&A

 

By Kate Cohen-Posey
Therapist

My Eleven-year-old daughter has recently been having trouble with some of her friends at school. It seems that several girls have decided they do not want to be her friend. They will tell her they do not want her to hang around them. And if she is trying to talk to Lisa, Missy will tell her Lisa does not want you to talk to her, she does not like you. Then yesterday Lisa was her friend again and they spent their free time together during the school day. Then today Lisa informed her she didn't want to be her friend anymore. This is really hurting my daughter's feelings. She and Lisa had been "best buds" all school year, and now at the end of the year, this happens. She and Missy have had their differences but had worked things out. They all belong to the same Camp Fire group so I am worried this will cause problems there also. I guess my question is: How do I help my daughter to deal with these types of situations where friends turn on her?

This is frustrating and heartbreaking for parents, but this is the time when young people are learning how to resolve conflicts and work out issues between themselves. It sounds like she is very open and talks to you and that is a plus. Your compassion is more important than your advise, but don't become too involved and hurt for her or she will want to "spare" you her problems. Let her know that it is normal for friendships to change and that she will likely be friends with old friends again even when things seem over. Her campfire leader may have some observations of how your daughter interacts with others and if it's just the normal waxing and waning of friendships or if there are some social skills she needs. It does sound like there is a triangle and, Missy may want Lisa to herself. 11-year-olds can have trouble sharing friends. If she is mature enough she might be able to ask Lisa what the problem is, but it may be far too hard for Lisa to verbalize the social dynamics and peer pressure that is going on. Just keep encouraging your daughter that she will have friends again and that you will both discover how. That is the most important lesson -- when you lose friends others come in their place.

Related Expert Q&A

More Answers by this Expert

View more Q&A by this Expert