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Home › Expert Q&A › Friendships › My 9-year-old has a friend who tells her that if she doesn't go to church, she will not go to heaven. Is this relationship going to harm my daughter?

Expert Q&A

 

By Kate Cohen-Posey
Therapist

My 9-year-old daughter has a friend who tells her that if she doesn't go to church, she will not go to heaven. We are Christians and believe in God. I resent the fact that this family is pressuring my daughter to believe something I don't. My daughter loves music, but recently has said that she should only listen to Gospel music because all other music isn't Christian. Her friend is praying for her soul. This friend's family keeps trying to take my daughter to their church on Sundays. Is this relationship going to harm my daughter?

Great question! This could be an opportunity for you to open up an interesting discussion with your daughter. First, let her know in what ways you disagree with the new beliefs she is acquiring, but also tell her what she finally believes is up to her.

Saying that she will not go to heaven if she doesn't go to church is not even part of the Gospels. I'm sorry, I can't cite the scripture, but at one point Jesus tells people they should pray in solitude in fields and on hill tops because he was so offended by people making such a show of prayer in synagogues.

You can ask her questions to help her think: Would a fair and loving God not send good Hindus, Jews and people of many other religions to heaven because they don't go to church? What is more important: going to church or being fair and just? What happens to people who go to church and also commit crimes? (You can give her plenty of examples of the latter ministers who have gone to prison for swindling people out of money, clergy who commit sex crimes, etc.) You can also point out beautiful lyrics of non-Christian music like the Beatles, "When I find my self in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, 'Let it be, Let it be.'" You can tell her the Beatles did NOT go to church. You might also be able to find a book written for children on cults or tell her about some. Talk about what happened in Waco Texas and ask her what she thinks about that. Ask her how Waco is different from what her friend's family is saying and how it is similar (being told what to believe). There are many internet sites on cults. Having religious discussions with adult friends and family in front of her can also help. She doesn't have to take part but will at least be exposed to different ideas. I'm sure other ideas will come to your head.

If your daughter refuses to let you talk to her, I think it is time for a more radical approach. It may be important for you to talk to her friend's parents and tell them in your nicest, most "Christian "way, that they can pray for your daughter but you would like them to leave her religious education up to you. You can also let them know which of their values you agree with and appreciate (I'm sure there are some). Or, you can say that if they continue to expose your daughter to their ideas, that you will expose their daughter to your ideas. Only allow your daughter to spend as much time with her friend as she is spending at your home. Out and out refusing to let her see her friend could cause too much resentment.

At 9-years-old, your daughter may have some strengths to resist imposed ideologies, but you know your daughter better than anyone. A disadvantage of not taking her to a (more liberal) church yourself, is that there may be a "philosophical vacuum" in her life. We bemoan the breakdown of the family in our culture, but what we have lost is the "tribe." Church communities do provide a kind of a tribe with an extended family, elders, and rituals.

I do relate to the issue you raise in a personal way. When my daughter was in preschool she informed me that she believed in the devil and hell. I told her that was up to her, but that her father and I believed differently. At 4-years-old, I was confident that she had plenty of time to change and I knew no one was aggressively imposing ideas on her. I did take her to a Sunday school of my choice and even taught the confirmation class (more out of an intellectual than a religious interest). Although she hated Sunday school, I was amazed that by the time she reached my class, that she had her own very profound ideas about the after life, the nature of God, the reason for suffering, what God expects from people, etc. She is now 16 and dating a very fundamentalist Christian. I actually appreciate the fact that he does have a strong sense of values as I watch him recoil at some of the things my daughter's other friends say and do. I've even told him that I hope he can help her get closer to God, since I don't think I've been very successful at this, but I've challenged him to help her also get closer to her (Jewish) roots. I know he's very much wanting her to go to church and I'm curious and a little bit afraid of the outcome. However, I have some sense that she has enough exposure to my husband's and my way of thinking and believing that she would not swallow a foreign ideology whole. At 16, she is in a safer position than a 9 year old.

I wish you best of luck and hope you find a way to make this problem an opportunity for growth and enrichment.

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