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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

My kids are 10 and 12 -- boy and girl respectively. They were great friends were they were younger, but now they fight all the time. It's gets me frazzled, my husband frazzled -- THEY are frazzled, too. I know it's natural (I fought with my siblings, too), but that doesn't make it any easier to live with. Is there anything we can do -- other than just weather the storm until they're adults and realize the value of each other?

Clearly some sibling rivalry is natural, normal and even healthy. One of the most powerful interventions is to have natural consequences for inappropriate behavior. Such as if kids are breaking household rules, they get to give something up. I always looked for what was the most important item going on that day with whomever transgressed, and I would take it, and it didn't matter to me what it was! It might be a dance, a sleep-over, a party, it simply didn't matter. By the way, you never tell them in advance what the consequences will be, as you don't know until the upset happens what is most valuable to them that day. If you really follow through, it will not require a lot of consequences, as missing the big dance one time will give the kids a dose of the real world. There will be other dances, but in their world this is the last dance!

And then I also recommend productive family meetings where the kids take turns leading the meetings. Here is a formula that works miracles when the rules are followed:

Round one is who, where, when and what happened, and how I felt, and the response to the deliverer includes OK, sorry, thank you, or I got it. No explanations or defending. Round two is resolution of conflicts, requests and promises, and round three is acknowledgements.

For instance, the kid leading the meeting would say, sister, you go first, and she might say: Mom (who), in the kitchen (where) yesterday (when) you yelled at me (what happened) I felt annoyed, embarrassed, etc. Mom gets to say OK, sorry, I got it, thank you, etc. Anyone in the meeting can at that time voice, "I have a request" (someone keeps track of requests) and then everyone continues one at a time to finish round one, until all issues are on the table. Then in round two, you can bring back up any unresolved issues, (many if not most are resolved simply by just being listened to) and resolve it, whatever it takes. Round three is powerful. An example might be: "Mom, thanks for always being willing to help me with homework!"

The critical key to having this process work is it must be absolutely safe to communicate, no consequences, no discipline out of what has happened, and there may be new household rules for the future to put in boundaries or correction. And after the meeting, it all stays there with the exception of future corrections. This process teaches responsibility, leadership skills and stress will go down, while harmony increases if you follow the rules!

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