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Expert Q&A
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| By Elizabeth Pantley Child Behavior Expert Better Beginnings, Inc. | ||
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My daughter is 11. We talk about everything that is on her mind (which makes me glad). For the past week she has been telling me about a boy and how much she likes him and how she can't stop thinking about him. I have just been listening and I have told her that it is OK to like boys, but she is too young for anything else. She says she knows. Am I taking the right approach? Should I handle it any other way?
A good and timely question! It is from ages 10 to 15 that hormones begin to change our little girls and little boys into young women and men. The same boy that your daughter has seen in class since kindergarten will suddenly look different to her.
Keep in mind that for most girls at 11 "liking" a boy has nothing whatsoever to do with sex, or even kissing. This is most likely your daughter's first step into seeing the opposite sex as, well, opposite! In today's world it is not uncommon for fifth-graders to start "going out." Ironically, this usually doesn't mean "going" anywhere! It may mean hanging out together at recess or passing notes in class, but nonetheless, it is the first step in the boy/girl dating scenario.
What's most important during this transitional time is lots and lots of conversation. It's one thing to talk about the birds and the bees -- we all seem to find a way to do that. It's extremely important, though, that we go way beyond basic biology. Your daughter needs information and guidance about all the intricacies of friendships with boys.You should always be one step ahead of her in your conversations. You can talk about what makes this boy so interesting to her. And then expand on that to talk about how people choose friends, how they choose boyfriends, and how they choose husbands.
This is the time that your daughter is forming her own sexual values. The more you discuss these issues with her, the more you can help her develop a strong, healthy set of moral values.
Another key idea is to make sure that your daughter has lots of other activities to keep her busy and thinking about things other than boys. Hobbies, sports activities and clubs are very important to girls at this age.
Be an accessible mom, that's the most important key. And read up on what's really happening with your daughter. Two books I recommend are "The Roller-Coaster Years" by Giannetti and Sagarese and "What's Happening to My Body For Girls" by Madaras.
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