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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

If you find your daughter's diary and see things that worry you, should you confront her about it?

The first issue that comes to mind with your question is one of privacy, trust and intimacy -- all of which can be highly volatile issues for any of us, especially our children. My first question for you is what were you doing reading your daughter's diary? Do you have a right? Of course you do! But then we're not talking about rights, are we? Now if your child's behavior is indicating that something is very wrong or "off," then this is a different situation, and I would have a different conversation with you, one involving highly qualified professionals.

But if this isn't the case, then we are addressing your relationship with your daughter, which will last until both of you have exited this plane. Even your choice of the word "confront" has an edge to it. It seems to me that if you address these issues with your daughter you will have to start by explaining (or worse, justifying) why you violated her privacy. This is an issue of respect, and how can we demand our children to respect adults while we are not demonstrating respect for our children?

However, now that you have concerns from having read the diary, then of course it would be wise to bring up these issues of concern with you child. At that time I would invite you to establish new "rules" or "guidelines" about sensitive issues such as this for the future. Once trust is broken with a child, often it is never totally healed with our children. Having said that, I am sure that out of a mother's love you can re-establish trust with your daughter, and use this opportunity as a turning point for both of you. Remember, all your child is wanting is to be listened to, admired, respected and loved.

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