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Expert Q&A
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| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
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I have a question about my 11-year-old son. He is generally a good kid, but lately he has taken to complaining a lot. Whatever I say, he takes the opposite stance. Sometimes it's about things that I know he couldn't possibly really mean. Like the other day, he started to loudly complain about how much he hates football and how I am making him play. He ended up in tears. After practice, he came home all smiles and wouldn't stop talking about this play and that play. After his game on Saturday, he turned to his dad and said, "I'm playing football forever." Well, last night, he started in again with the crying and yelling about how he hates football and that it's my fault he is playing because I won't let him quit. I am beginning to lose my mind. Is this his way of coping with stress or nerves? He does the same with math homework. He will complain about how it's too hard and how he hates it. When in reality, he has been tested for gifted math programs and is in an accelerate program because he is so good at it. Help!
Barring any unsaid circumstances, this sounds developmental to me. Kids will often complain and work themselves into a lather as a "safety measure" against failure. It's kind of a testing device and most of it isn't even really directed at you; it's toward themselves. You're just a safe enough person to do it with. Don't take it personally, and keep reminding yourself that this is a ship that rights itself. If for some reason it doesn't, then you might want to probe deeper into the problem. But a kid headed into puberty is a kid heading into choppy waters. I'd see if I could ride it out with him. Don't argue with him when he starts in. Just commiserate and see if that brings relief.
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