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Home › Expert Q&A › General › My 12-year-old and 10-year-old have the hardest time getting along. What can I do?

Expert Q&A

 

By Kate Cohen-Posey
Therapist

I have three boys û ages 13, 12 and 10. My 12- and 10-year-olds have the hardest time getting along. My younger son gets very upset and wonders why his brother doesn't like him. The older son is mean to him, and I don't know why or how to handle it. My 10-year-old's friends talk about how the 12-year-old is the meanest brother ever, and my 12-year-old's friends say how unfair things are for him. I am at a loss on how to handle this situation! Could someone help me?

Avoid taking sides, and focus on understanding both sons' viewpoints. If you find yourself sympathizing with the youngest, work harder to clarify the oldest son's frustrations. When they have conflicts, take away privileges from both until they sincerely verbalize or write why the other one is upset. In some cases you may not return privileges until they can come up with a solution to a specific problem.

If you actually see one child being mean to the other, you can give the target a "victims compensation reward." This adds reverse psychology. You can say, "I guess you wanted to help your brother get an extra can of soda (points for a basketball, etc.) by popping him on the back." If the older son is mean because he feels annoyed by the younger one, have him make a list of things that annoy him, and alternative behaviors he can do when he feels annoyed. Reward him every time he uses an alternative.

Regardless of what you do, the problem should improve with time. As the older son grows, he will be spending more and more time away from home, which will reduce conflicts.

Kate Cohen-Posey
Author of How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies"

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