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Expert Q&A

	By Tracy Underwood Child and Adolescent Psychologist Children's Medical Center of Dallas

Ashlei is 11 years old and she is my step-daughter. We are having a problem with Ashlei in that she is making up falsehoods. She has told teachers that her father was going to beat her over some bad grades, she has told us that she has been frightened about a scary story someone told her at aftercare and now can't sleep or eat. And most recently she had told her father that she has been thinking about killing her mother with a knife. I know this would make you immediately run to a physician. I have been a police officer for over 20 years and I currently work as a school resource officer in our local high school. I am around kids all the time and I've seen and heard just about everything. I can tell when a child has some problems. It is my opinion that Ashlei is attempting to gain attention, although negative. Part of the problem is that her father has a second daughter from another marriage and her has recently been engaged to be married. His future wife is now living with him and she has a son also. Ashlei does not get the type of attention that she has come to expect with us when she goes for visitation and I expect that this is her way to get that attention. Are there any books you could suggest that we and possibly Ashlei could obtain and read to help us correct her falsehoods now and make her understand what she is doing? Needless to say we have had a number of discussions with her but the problems continue."

Dear Parent,

I can understand why Ashleių lies are so troubling to you. We know that all children lie on occasion for a variety of reasons. Hopefully, they outgrow their impulse to fabricate and learn to respect the truth. Ashleių lies are very serious. There is an angry quality inherent in all of them. She accuses her father of physical abuse, admits to hostile impulses towards mother, and is being abusive to herself by restricting caloric intake. This latter situation is also a way of silently expressing anger to parents because children know how much parents want them to eat.

I suspect that you are correct in Ashleių motivation for lying. It may well be that she feels displaced by her fatherų new family. It is so unfortunate that she cannot voice her insecurities about the new family and find more appropriate ways of getting attention. These two topics would be very valuable points of discussion in your talks with Ashlei. Try to encourage her to process her feelings regarding sharing her father and her anger at not getting so much attention. Be sympathetic and validate her feelings. Help her make the connections between her actions (lying) and her feelings. Encourage her to share her feelings with those with whom she is angry. Sometimes these simple expressions of emotion are enough to stop the negative behaviors. Also, help Ashlei find her new place in the family constellation. Suggest ways that she can carve out a special place for herself. Encourage identity-building experiences separate from her family life, as well, such as participation in sports, clubs, and social activities.

There need to be consequences for her lying. Groundings and restrictions from favorite activities are good consequences. I have no favorite books on this subject. I suggest you visit your local bookstore and have them run a check on all books on lying. If Ashleių lying continues even after your interventions, therapy may be in order.

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