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Expert Q&A
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| By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist | ||
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My husband is having an affair and I have told him it is time to leave (after 13 months of this). We have a 9- and 11-year-old. Who tells them? Does Daddy need to say he fell in love with someone else, or do we not say that part? I need words for them soon."
Tell your children together that you will be separating. If things are very tense or people are obviously upset, tell them soon. If people are still compatible, wait until shortly before the actual physical separation. Be sure that you have emotional support or get counseling so you do not unknowingly lean on your children. Emphasize that parents and children are forever but sometimes marriages don't last, just like some friendships do not last.
Tell them they might not want to believe it at first, that they might feel angry and sad, but eventually everyone will be fine. Stress that what is happening has nothing to do with anything they did wrong and that there is nothing they can do to fix it.
Let them know they can ask questions as they come up, and give as simple answers as possible. When they are ready to know if someone else is involved, they will ask that question. If they ask you if Daddy has a girlfriend when their father is not present, tell them that is a good question and the very next time you are all together, you will help them ask him. Once the question is on the floor, play it by ear if you should stay or let the kids talk to their dad alone about it. They may need you there for support or they may feel more open if you are not around. Sooner or later they will find out because they will meet the new girlfriend.
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