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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

My preteen daughter has a very bad attitude. Whenever I ask her any questions, even casual fun ones, she responds with rolling her eyes or a smug look and then answers very rudely. A simple yes or no would get her no trouble but she has to answer with a cocky attitude like I asked a dumb question.

We have had several arguments about her attitude and that she needs to show respect to others. (It's not just me that she acts like this to.) Nothing seems to work. She hurts my feelings as well as embarrasses me when she gets this attitude with other adults or her friends.

She is well into puberty, but I don't feel that is an excuse. I understand and am more lenient on her when she is going through PMS but she has this attitude about 25 days a month. Please tell me what I am doing wrong or what I can do to help her change. Is it too late to change her?

I love her and try to have a fun relationship with her. I joke around with my kids and try to talk to them and their friends. She is not setting a good example for her younger siblings. My 4-year-old is very aware of her older sister's behavior, and I fear that she will see this as acceptable. Please help me.

Welcome to the wonderful world of raising a teen. Since we humans aren't very good at pushing our babies out of the nest, they help us by being totally obnoxious. Your daughter loves you but has to act hateful to begin to let go and, likewise, she is helping you let go. If she is rude to other adults, she is probably busy bonding with her peers. What appears to be rude behavior between young people is often normal to them. The under 30 crowd talks with a very sarcastic edge that is quite different from when we were growing up.

This does not mean you have to tolerate her behavior, but do not be dead set on changing her either. Just let her know how you feel when she makes her comments. DO NOT tell her she is rude or has a bad attitude. Simply say what you feel (not think) inside using the word "I." "I feel sad (mad, like Jell-O, chopped liver) when you talk like that," and then walk away, hopefully before she has a comeback.

When you're in the mood for it, join the "fun" and imitate her with an eye roll of your own or pretend you are her and say, "Parents ask the stupidest questions." It is good to have a variety of responses. However, there are times when she will get "on your last nerve," and you'll blow up and that is fine, too.

As much as possible, do not initiate contact. Allow her to come to you. This will be very hard. Teens think almost any parental question is intrusive. As a parent, I've been able to manage this myself a few times, and it is surprising how it helps.

Talk to other mothers with daughters. I think you will find that many are going through the same thing, and if they are not yet, they most likely will be soon. I personally think Webster should add a new word to the dictionary: "shutthedoor – an adolescent word used to draw a boundary between children and parents." My daughter is 17, and I've been hearing that since the preteen years when I pop my head in her room to ask necessary questions.

It sounds like you're a great mom and take an interest in your kids. I wouldn't worry too much about the younger ones. I remember before my daughter turned 12 she thought teens were terrible people. It is not too late for your daughter. You don't have to change her; you are not doing anything wrong, and not all of your children will be so difficult. Once she moves out of the house, she will, most likely, be very devoted and likeable.

Although it is written about adult children, a good resource is a book called, For Mothers of Difficult Daughters.

Kate Cohen-Posey, M.S., LMHC, LMFT
Author of How to Handle Bullies Teasers and Other Meanies

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