quick clicks

preteenagers today articles

preteenagers today q&a

teenagers today articles

teenagers today q&a

community & groups

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Expert Q&A

	By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist

I have a very level headed, mature, high self esteem, intelligent 8-year-old daughter that I am afraid may know more than I would like for her to know. The other day her little sister brought me a page ripped out of her diary. I don't know why I even read it, because I told her that it is for her private thoughts, and I would never read it (up to this point I haven't). She wrote something that really bothered me, especially since I am so against her watching anything on TV other than rated G, and she watches very little TV. (She actually prefers to read, which I wonder if I shouldn't be screening those Jenny B. Jones, Ramona and Mary Kate and Ashley books.) She wrote, "I want to kiss Steven on the lips and have _ _ _ with him." Unfortunately, I know that I can't shelter her from other children (and some of her friends do have older siblings), so what do I do so that I properly inform her about sex? Do you have any advice and/or a good book that I can read?

Thank you, Michelle"

Despite your daughter's intelligence and fund of information, the odds are very good that her understanding of sex is certainly incomplete and probably not altogether accurate. I sympathize with your efforts to keep any trash-TV out of your home but you are right -- our kids are being sexualized at an earlier age by many forces outside of the home. A recent study showed that half of all parents reported that their child had engaged in some sort of sex play with another child by the time the child was six. Follow-up questioning revealed that this activity had no bearing on functioning when the child was eighteen.

Begin what will be numerous discussions with your daughter by saying something like, "You may have heard kids at school or people on TV talk about 'having sex'. What does that mean to you?" You may have to probe if she gives short answers and let your tone of voice indicate that she is not in trouble. Obviously, you will want to correct any misconceptions she has. Now is the time to make clear what your values are about sexuality. Let her know that you were glad you had the discussion, that she should come to you first with any questions she might have (friends will be misinformed) and that you will want to talk more with her about the subject in the future.

If you wish to use an illustrated book for children on sex and reproduction, there are many to choose from in the library or local bookstore. Pick one that seems appropriate for you and your child. Some parents find that books with photos of art masterpieces that display human nudity or show lovers embracing to be helpful.

You man find one of my books helpful. "How to Say It to Your Kids: The Right Words to Solve Problems, Soothe Feelings, and Teach Values" gives parents loads of examples on how best to discuss difficult topics with children, and helps parents pinpoint their communication strengths andweaknesses.

View more Q&A by this Expert