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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

My 12-year-old stepdaughter talks to a 13-year-old boy on the phone. I wasn't aware they were on the phone when I picked it up. The boy was using extreme sexually-related profanity, describing what he was going to do to her. I was shocked by what I heard. I hung up the phone, and then I waited until she got off to talk to her about what he was saying. She seemed upset that I knew. Did I do the right thing by hanging up, or should I have confronted the boy while I was still on the phone?

We have had the "talk," and I want her to have friends - both male and female - but how can I be sure she is doing the right things. I don't want to be spying on her, but what can I do? I told her that this language was not proper for a girl her age - any age for that matter. She said the kids use this language at her school all the time. (She doesn't talk that way as far as I know.) She said she would tell the boy not to talk to her that way and that he should respect her more. How can I trust what she said, or how can I be sure he isn't still talking to her that way on the phone without me "spying" on their conversations? Please help if you can!

I'm sure hearing your daughter's male friend on the telephone was a shocking experience, but welcome to modern teenage culture. Because what you listened to was truly by accident, I think you had an excellent basis for telling your daughter what you heard. It shows that you must have a strong relationship with your daughter because she was able to disagree with you and tell you that kids talk that way all the time.

The culture young people live in is extreme. I have read about it in journals for therapists and heard about it from my own 16-year-old who says she is glad she goes to an "old-fashioned high school" where you can still be popular and be a virgin! It is not uncommon for young people to have sex in front of each other with multiple partners!

It may make you shudder, but the most important thing you can do is to keep an open dialogue going with your daughter. You're going to have to get very "laid back" and ask if the phone call or any of the young man's comments bothered her. You might let her know that in the adult world the language he was using would be considered "sexual harassment." Then, ask her opinion about that. Ask if reputations still matter for girls or what it takes for a girl to get a bad reputation. Ask her if it bothers her that there is a double standard. Find out what she thinks would be bad - what HER limits are. If possible, have this discussion when some of her girlfriends are present. Sometimes kids are more open when they can bounce ideas off of each other or "gang up on the adult."

I believe you were right not to confront her friend on the phone, but other parents would disagree. It partly depends on how you've raised her. If she is used to an authoritarian upbringing, she might be able to handle that kind of parental intervention without disconnecting from you too much. However, if she is used to parenting which encourages some decision-making on her part, she might go into stark rebellion if you switch gears at this point. However, parental limits are still very important!

Control what you can control: the age at which she starts dating, when she can go out with friends in cars, the time she gets home, poor grades, unacceptable tone of voice, etc. If she breaks any rules, have immediate consequences. Monitoring phone calls might be too much unless major problems become obvious like drug use or defying punishments. In the meantime, help her sort out her beliefs. Let her know yours only after she has expressed her ideas, or you'll never learn what is going on in her mind. Talk with other parents, teachers or guidance counselors to get an idea of what the teen culture is like in your area.

Kate Cohen-Posey, MS, LMHC, LMFT
Author: How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies

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